A Tortured Soul
by mastiff mom
Summary: About the events in New Moon after Edward called Charlie and thought Bella had died. Short One-Shot. EPOV.


**A Tortured Soul**

_AN: This is my first attempt at writing fan fiction. Please review and let me know what you think. Constructive criticism is definitely appreciated! __Stephenie Meyer owns everything Twilight. No copyright infringements are intended._ _To give credit where it's due… I took pieces of Edward's remembered conversation from Twilight/Midnight Sun._

_From New Moon – starts when Edward tries to call Charlie after learning from Rosalie that Bella jumped from the cliff. EPOV. _

_* * * *_

"He's at the funeral."

_Oh God. True. It must be true. _Part of me had clung desperately to the wild hope that Rosalie was playing some kind of cruel joke. But now… I knew it wasn't a joke. Charlie was at her funeral. That meant she was…

I had barely managed to turn off my phone when my knees buckled beneath me. My lungs, which hadn't worked in almost a century, seemed to be screaming for air. My dead, unbeating heart felt as if it had been brutally ripped from my cold chest. My tortured mind shuddered against an agony it couldn't escape. My whole body trembled with the excruciating pain of loss and guilt. _Bella. Oh, my poor, sweet Bella. What have I done?_

I had thought that nothing could surpass the anguish of living apart from her these past few months, but that was nothing compared to what I felt now, knowing the truth. To me, it seemed as if the universe had suddenly stopped spinning, and I had been flung with impossible force up against some implacable galactic wall, my body and mind shattering under the impact. For a moment, I could not even see. The light was gone. No sun, no moon, no stars. Just endless, empty dark. And the unendurable agony of the truth.

_She was…_ I could not yet bring myself to think the word. As if refusing to think it would make it untrue. And so I stayed crumpled on the floor, trying to remain in the misery of denial for a few moments more. Because denial was far better than the alternative.

_Charlie was at her funeral. She was… _

…_Dead… _

_Oh Bella. This is my fault. I am so sorry, love. _

They say the road to hell is paved with good intentions. I understood the meaning behind that phrase with perfect clarity. I thought leaving Bella was the right thing to do. I knew she deserved better than I could ever give her – she deserved to be human, to be alive. If I stayed with her, if I continued to keep her in such close proximity to my world and the dangers in it – she would eventually be killed. Eventually, something would happen that I could not protect her from. I knew I was not strong enough to stand by and watch her die. I was too selfish, and the temptation to change her before I lost her forever would be too great. But I did not want to be responsible for damning her to an eternity of darkness as a monster, either. She thought she wanted that, but she had no idea of the sacrifices she would have to make. I knew if she truly understood what she would have to give up she would never make that choice. And so I left to protect her. Every second I was with her, her life – her very soul – was in jeopardy. I loved her too much – I could not continue to put her at risk that way. I thought I was doing the right thing by leaving. That she would be better off without me. I thought she would heal, move on, and be happy. I had never imagined the truth. What a colossal mistake I had made; believing that my absence would protect her, I had, instead, hurt her far worse. I might as well have pushed her off of that cliff myself - I had killed her just as surely as if I had. I had paved my road with good intentions, and I was most certainly in Hell.

_Bella was dead_.

My entire universe was dark. Empty. There would never be light again. There would never be _anything _again. Ever.

_Bella was dead._

I let myself be consumed by the overwhelming pain of my loss, my guilt. I welcomed it. I knew I deserved far worse.

_Bella was dead_.

And so was I. The only part of me that counted died the instant her heart ceased beating. The rest of me only longed for fiery release.

* * * * *

Italy. I don't consciously recall how I got there. My mind was drowning in emotions too intense to process anything else. Somehow, I must have forced my body to move up off the floor, in spite of the agony. Somehow, I must have made my way to the airport and boarded a plane. Somehow, I made my way to Volterra, and down into the subterranean lair of the Volturi. I do not remember the journey. All I remember is enduring the unendurable - existing in a world without Bella. Every miserable second without her was an eternity of hell. It was not an experience I intended to prolong.

I had spoken to Aro. I only vaguely remember our conversation. I hoped to convince him to help me. But for a variety of reasons he had declined. My death would be wasteful, he told me. Wasteful! As if there was some part of me undamaged enough to be worth saving. All the same, he refused to end my suffering without provocation. And so, I must find a way to force them to kill me. I knew I had only to expose myself for the monster I was to bring the Volturi down on me. They would be quick – Aro was aware of my intent, and of course I wouldn't fight them when they came for me. Indeed, I would run to them with open arms, and beg them to end my suffering.

How then, should I do it? I had found an abandoned warehouse after listening to Aro's refusal of my request, and it was here that I settled to hide myself until I could think of what I should do. My mind seemed to be recovering from self-imposed lethargy, and I thought of dozens of ways to expose myself. I made a hundred different plans, discarding them almost as quickly as I came up with them. And then I decided. I was a vampire, after all. A soulless monster damned for all eternity; destined to kill the very thing I loved most. What better way to expose my world than to simply be a vampire? I would let the monster within rule me. I would hunt; slake my thirst with as many people as I could manage before the Volturi came for me. Why should mere mortals be allowed to continue their happy lives when my entire universe was dead? I was already damned beyond redemption. It seemed only fair to bring some of them with me into Hell. I felt the venom begin to flow in my mouth as I contemplated this course of action. I was thirsty – I could not remember the last time I had hunted. It didn't matter. It wasn't as if the needs of my body had any real meaning for me anymore. It was just a means to an end. The means to _my_ end. It was already dark. I could begin my hunt at once. It shouldn't take long for the Volturi to catch up with me…

A small spider diverted my attention. It had descended on a long gossamer thread from the ceiling until it dangled in front of my face. I watched it idly for a moment, and then memories of Bella took over. Her embarrassed confession at the lunch table seemed so long ago, and yet I saw it in my mind with perfect clarity. She had thought I was some sort of super-hero.

"_Um, well, bitten by a radioactive spider?" She'd asked, when I prompted her for a theory._

"_That's not very creative," I'd teased, relieved that she hadn't guessed the truth, and trying not to laugh, because the idea of me as a superhero was completely absurd._

"_I'm sorry, that's all I've got," she responded, offended at my teasing._

"_You're not even close."_

My mind skipped forward.

"_What if I'm the bad guy?" I'd asked, knowing I needed to warn her and hoping that she wouldn't listen to that warning._

"_Oh," she'd said. "I see."_

"_Do you?" Did she? Would she run from me now, as she should?_

"_You're dangerous?" A tender expression I didn't understand came over her face then. "But not bad," she'd whispered. "No, I don't believe that you're bad."_

I disagreed with her. I _was_ bad. I was a monster. A murderer. But somehow, she had seen goodness in me. Even the truth – that I was a vampire – could not shake her unbelievable faith in me or in my inherent goodness. She had always thought better of me than I deserved. I could not disappoint her now. There was no way I could go through with my plan. Bella would never forgive me for that. And then there was Carlisle... Like Bella, he believed I was so much better than I was. If I were to kill a human now, I would be betraying the ideals he and the rest of my family lived by. I couldn't break faith with them that way. Not at the end. My death would be hard enough for them without that. I sighed. I would need to find some other way.

I was unable to form another suitable plan; memories of Bella kept intruding on my thoughts. My eyes burned with tears I was unable to shed. I moaned in despair, covered my face with my hands and let the memories come, my entire being aching with the loneliness of her loss.

I thought of the first time I'd climbed through her window, when she'd dreamed of me and called my name, and I knew that I loved her. I thought of what had led me to her that night. Alice's visions - two futures forever gone, now. I thought about how I had acted, with no apparent reason, to keep Tyler's van from crushing an insignificant human girl, and about how that girl had inexplicably become the most important thing in my world. I remembered the arguments with my family over my actions - I had defended her fiercely, against the wishes of Jasper and Rosalie. I had risked the exposure of our family for her. I could not know that she would keep quiet about what she had seen. Anyone else would have talked about the inhuman speed and strength I had displayed to save her.

I supposed I could do something similar to provoke the Volturi. Other humans weren't as likely to keep quiet about seeing something like that. I could pick up a car, throw it into a wall. That would certainly bring the Volturi down on me. There was some sort of festival tomorrow. I hadn't paid enough attention to know what it was about, but that was certainly my greatest opportunity for exposure. My witnesses would all be gathered inside the city. Unfortunately, I suspected that very few cars would be allowed within the city gates. Also, I didn't want to hurt anyone, and with a large number of people gathered for the festival, it might be difficult to find a place where I could be seen throwing a car without actually hitting someone with it.

My thoughts strayed back to Bella. I remembered the incredible day we spent at the meadow. It had taken every ounce of my courage to simply walk out into that sunny clearing in front of her. I had expected her to run away when she saw what a freak I was. Instead, in spite of everything, she had thought I was beautiful.

And then I knew what to do. It was so simple. I would merely need to walk out into the sun, as I had that day in the meadow. I would wait until the sun was directly overhead. The main square would be full enough that plenty of people would see me. The Volturi would not allow that. And then it would be over; my torment, my empty existence would finally come to an end.

* * * * *

It was almost time. I stood silently in the dark shadows of the alley beneath the clock tower, waiting for the bells to toll noon. The sun was bright and high in the sky. No clouds gathered to obscure it. The square buzzed busily with the voices and thoughts of hundreds of people. I ignored them. Slowly, almost mechanically, I began to unbutton my shirt. As my fingers worked the buttons, I thought of Bella.

She was almost certainly in Heaven. I knew that some religions frowned on suicide, but what kind of just and loving God would punish her for my mistakes? I wondered if she was looking down on me now. I wondered what she was thinking if she was. Would she understand? Would my family? Undoubtedly, Alice had already seen the outcome of what I was doing. I knew they would be frantic. Perhaps they were already on a plane in a misguided rescue effort. I was sorry for the grief my death would cause my family, but they would help each other through it. It would take time, but they would go on without me.

Hardly aware of what I was doing, I shrugged out of my shirt and it fell to the ground. I took a step closer to the light of the plaza and waited.

My thoughts turned again to Bella. I closed my eyes so I could remember her better –so I could see her in my mind's eye. It was a poor reflection, I knew, but better than not seeing her at all. In that moment, I hoped fervently that Carlisle was right – that we weren't damned simply because we were vampires. I prayed for the chance to see Bella again, to hold her in my arms one last time, even if it was only for a moment, before the demons came to drag me down to the pits of Hell. I imagined the feel of her in my arms. The indescribable warmth of her hand in mine. The lovely way her cheeks blushed when she was embarrassed. Her endearing clumsiness. The way she bit her bottom lip when she was insecure or lost in thought. The taste of her kiss. The indescribable scent of her hair in the rain. The way she talked in her sleep. The depth in her chocolate brown eyes. The beauty of her soul. The sound of her voice calling my name. It sounded so real… the beauty of her voice took my breath away. She had the voice of an angel, calling my name. Her voice was the sweetest sound I had ever heard in all of my existence.

The bells began to toll.

I stepped forward into the sun, hearing only the voice of my angel.


End file.
